One of the things that has surprised me about this job is how much I am growing and changing in it. I realize this seems like a particularly obvious thing to forget about. But, honestly, I came in with such a vision for the campus and students that it sort of slipped my mind how much God would simultaneously be working through and in me. If I had to pin a number to it, I would estimate that both things are happening equally, each about 50% of the time.
Some weeks, I feel insanely selfish about it.
I come from a particularly production-based background. Growing up, if you could check everything off your "to-do" list by sunset, you had done well. Long, sunny, wind-less days were considered better than others simply because you could accomplish more in good weather than you could when it was raining. This was a perfectly natural, and often necessary, way of life for a farmer and his family. Until now, I had not quite come to grips with how much that concept has bled into my life.
Now, on the days when God is doing more in than through me, I get much less done, practically speaking. I meet with fewer people. I plan fewer events. I spend more time in thought than in action. And therefore cannot claim to have accomplished nearly as much. It drives me up a wall. I prepare myself for sleep at the end of the day and think to myself: "why didn't I get that newsletter finished today?" "I should have done more to prepare for tomorrow's Bible study." The list is endless, and my conscience fills with guilt.
The result is that if I try to stack every day with tasks, even meaningful ones, I eventually run myself emotionally dry. Sure, I met with 4 girls; but I only remember 1/3 of what was said by all of them. Yes, I've done the reading required for our weekly Bible study; but I've taken absolutely no time to let the words sink into my heart.
I have never understood the meaning behind the story of Mary and Martha so plainly in my life. Practically speaking, Martha certainly executed more tasks than her sister. And yet, Mary was entirely content to simply sit at the feet of the Lord. Stillness was her utmost productivity, and Jesus delighted in it.
